* The Father I Never Knew *

This series is a journey of discovering the Father of all fathers

Time for an Upgrade

I reluctantly walk down the hospital hallway while wrestling with a nagging question. How do I honor my dying father when I don’t respect or trust him? I would not choose him as a neighbor, friend, or mentor. Why I do I feel obligated to say goodbye? Perhaps there is a positive memory I can excavate from the mountain range of disappointment, lies, and anger.

No more time for mental debate. Outside his room, I offer one last silent prayer. “Lord, I need you to fill my mouth and help me through this.” After a deep breath, I enter the room. Lying in a hospital bed is the decimated shell of the man I remember. Cancer in all its cruelty is winning this battle. 

Unexpected waves of peace, compassion, and love pierce my hardened heart. Gently, I embrace my father’s hand and his eyes open. I am dumbfounded to hear tender words flow from my lips. “Dad, I’ve lied and done things which hurt you. I’m sorry.” A tear trickles down his right cheek. I continue, “And you’re not the perfect father, but we both have done the best we knew to do.” A tear rolls down the other cheek as he nods his head. As he drifts off to sleep, I sense it is time to leave. Sometimes less is more. 

While driving away, I thanked God for mercifully answering my prayer. 

It wasn’t long before I got word my father died. To be honest, I didn’t cry. Instead, I experienced an enormous relief. Finally, there is an end to our dreaded interactions. As a child, his alcoholism and volcanic anger traumatized my heart and mind. I’ll spare you the devastating details. As an adult, our conversations followed a repetative pattern. He had a way of sounding like he was encouraging me, but the undertone clearly conveyed I didn’t live up to his expectations. Amid our dysfunction, we occasionally mumbled the words, “I love you,” but unresolved issues left no landing pad for those hollow words. 

After my father’s death, I dedicated significant time to sorting through our agonizing past. I asked God for forgiveness and forgave my father. Abba escorted me through the extensive healing process at a merciful pace. Once I received God’s forgiveness and truly forgave my father, deep restoration took place. I found that buried under the avalanche of pain were also enjoyable moments. Some recollections surprisingly brought a smile. Then, it hit me; I was fatherless! I began weeping uncontrollably. On some level, the tears seemed puzzling. After all, I wouldn’t have chosen him to be my father. 

The Lord showed me I wasn’t grieving my father’s death. I was mourning a void ... the need for a Loving Father. He prompted me to read John 14. Through tear-filled eyes, each scriptural truth leapt off the pages. Two verses took deep root in my heart. 

• Verse 26 (NIV), “But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” Immediately, God pointed out that his wisdom is flawless and infinite. No problem or challenge leaves him scratching his head, wondering what to do. Even in correction, his advice has my best interest at heart. He knows the way forward without GPS or Google. I have unlimited access to the Teacher of all teachers and he has a “5 Star” rating in every subject. 

• Verse 18 (NIV), “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” Abba literally fulfilled that verse by overwhelming me with his presence, encouragement, and comfort. The depth of his love and acceptance solidified the truth; I belong. What I perceived as a loss, (my father’s passing), actually catapulted me into a huge gain, (a transformative relationship with my Heavenly Father). Turns out, Abba Father is an amazing upgrade!

The truth is ...

• Abba easily satisfies the father void 

• I’m still an imperfect son

• There is much more to learn, but … I won’t be doing it alone!